I’ve struggled with my weight all my life. The picture I posed above has no filters. I’m not wearing make up, and haven’t had coffee yet. I currently weigh 311 lbs. That is what my doctor weighed me in this week. This is the most I’ve ever weighed in my life.
I don’t feel good. I’m in constant pain. It’s not all due to my weight. Some of it is lupus. My weight really doesn’t have a lot of effect on my elbows, and those are were I have some my worst pain. Some nights I lay in bed and cry because I can’t handle the weight of a sheet on my elbows.
Despite what every doctor and person who meets me expects. Despite what media portrays I do not have diabetes. My A1C is 5. When I went to my doctor this week they did more bloodwork than I’ve ever had in my life and just tested that. Let me tell you that was hard. I had to fast all day for that because my appointment wasn’t until the afternoon. I was not having a great day because of course somebody brought cookies into the office that day.
I won’t lie and pretend I’m perfectly healthy. If I were, then I wouldn’t be considering major surgery. This surgery is not something to do on a whim. I have do months of prep work for it, and it will have life long effects on me. To be honest, this process scares me.
A lot of my blood tests came back alright. I’m still getting some tests coming in. I don’t have any vitamin deficiencies so far. My thyroid is fine. My CBC is always a bit off. I wonder if that has to do with my autoimmune disease and the inflammation it causes. My white blood cell counts are always a bit off. I think that might because my immune system is attacking itself, as that is what happens in autoimmune diseases. I’m on methotrexate but I’ll have to stop taking that to have my surgery. That scares me.
I do have very high cholesterol though. That’s one reason I’m having this surgery. I don’t want to die of a heart attack before I’m 50. I’ve tried changing how I eat before, but it’s not that easy to loose weight. At least it isn’t for me. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food.
A few years ago I was working with a different clinic in Anchorage, Alaska and I lost about 60 pounds with medication. Specifically I was on Phentermine and Topiramate. I’m still on topiramate because it stops my migraines. That has been a lifesaver.
My insurance at the time wouldn’t cover surgery, I also was dealing with Lúthien’s illness as well. She could not be left alone and due to the severity of her medical needs, nobody could watch her for me. Her condition caused her to go blind and have mobility issues but she had a good quality of life right up until she passed.
I managed to keep the weight off for about 6 months after I went off the medicine, but then I was in a job where I was working 60+ hours a week. I didn’t have time to work out and cook, let alone sleep. So bad habits returned. Fast food, emotional eating. And the weight came back, plus more. I was not in a job that was healthy for me at that time, and my health was declining.
Thankfully I am working in a job that I love now. It works for me and my neurodiversity, though I won’t talk about it much on this blog because I work with people who do not have the ability to consent to share their stories.
I used to think that surgery was cheating. That only people who are weak, who lack the strength to just diet and exercise need to use surgery to loose weight. I was wrong.
I’ve dieted. I’ve exercised. I have lost weight. I have gained weight. I don’t want to die.
I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of constantly having to look at chairs to see if I can fit in them. To see if I will break the chair. I’m tired of constantly being aware of which pathways are wide enough for my body when I’m out in public. I’m tired of the looks I get. I’m tired of the difficulty in getting off the couch. I’m exhausted from the effort of moving my body. I cannot be bothered with other people’s opinions and attempts to tell me what I need to do to fix myself anymore. But most of all I am tired of not feeling well.
I don’t care about looking a particular way. I don’t actually have a goal weight in mind. I would like to be able to go up and down the stairs without getting out of breath. I would like to be able to take my dogs hiking again. I would like to be able to sit on a chair without getting stuck. I would like to be in less pain.
My choice doesn’t have to do with other people. It is about me, and my health. I have talked to doctors. I have read the research. Bariatric surgery is the most effective treatment for obesity. Diet and exercise are part of what I will be doing along with surgery. I will be working with physical therapists, nutritionists, psychologists and possibly other doctors. Not just a surgeon cutting into my body.
I will be attending support groups. I will be going to education groups. This is a life long process. I am hoping to get gastric sleeve, which is where the stomach is reduced to about the size of a banana and the intestines are not rearranged. However it will depend on what the gastroenterologist finds. If I have too much damage from heart burn then I have to have gastric bypass. That is when the stomach is reduced to about the size of an egg, and part of the intestines are removed.
There are pro and cons for both surgery’s. As I may need to take medications such as prednisone for my lupus, the stomach is stronger in gastric sleeve. I am also on the lighter side of BMI for this surgery, so grastric sleeve is recommended.
There is slightly more weight loss on average in gastric bypass, but also more risk and more done during the surgery. Ultimately it will be up to my doctor to decide which is the best fit for me. We have discussed it and we made that agreement. That decision doesn’t have to be made yet.
I already have about 15 follow up appointments scheduled over the next 3 months. The soonest I can have surgery is late August. I have to loose 5% of my weight before I can have surgery, which is currently 16 pounds. That may not sound like much but it’s not going to be easy. I have to take classes with a nutritionist. I also have to meet the requirements of my insurance.
I think one of my biggest concerns on the nutrition side is their expectations for food. I remember from my last time working with a dietician is that they push low carb diets. I don’t eat a lot of meat. It makes me constipated and bloated. I’m also allergic to pork. The only meats I eat are beef, and poultry. I absolutely don’t eat any seafood. I fully admit I have food issues, both texture, and well I have struggled with disordered eating for most of my life.
I don’t think anybody gets to my weight without some food issues. What most people don’t expect is that when I cook, it’s healthier than most people I know. That includes my family members who are all a healthy weight. Of course nobody ever believes this. I know my portion sizes are incorrect. And I probably snack too much. I know I have to work on this.
I do however eat mostly plant based. I eat a ton of beans and lentils for protein. I don’t know how that is going to work on the weight loss program they want me to eat. My surgeon gave me a binder with information about nutrition and the program so I know what to expect.
They also want me to transition to sugar-free everything. That also concerns me. I get migraines from sugar alternatives. I don’t know how flexible they are going to be on that. I guess I’ll have to find out.
I know this is getting long so I hope you all are doing well and have a better understanding of why I chose this. I definitely have some anxieties about the surgery and the process to get there, but I do think it’s the best choice for me.